Let me preface this long, and possibly rambling post, by saying I do not wish death on anyone. I am simply trying to make a point. This won't make me popular, but hey, I was never the prom queen. Divorce is a nasty, painful business. I call it a business, because lawyers profit from it, and entire court systems are built around dismantling families. Everyone can say "in the best interests of the children," all they want. It's not true. There are a few rare people who manage to stay friends in this process. Even a few, rarer still, who don't negatively effect their financial standing. But for most of us, divorce brings increased pressures physically, emotionally, and financially. There are hurt feelings, issues left unresolved, and often, lives destroyed for years to come. Personally, I offer a unique prospective. This is not my first divorce, and the fathers of my children (ugh, I hate even typing that), took vastly different approaches to parenting.
My ex-husband and I have joint legal custody. We've spent years fighting over everything. However, I've recently realized that I do all of the work, and still live by his rules six years later. It was his rules that prevented me from moving to be with my husband two years ago, and contributed significantly to this latest divorce. It's his rules now that keep all of our schedules tight, and life turned upside down. You see, he insists on the public school they attend. Yet, I'm responsible for transportation, lunches, homework, etc... I also handle doctors, extra-curricular activities, and have them with me 90% of the time.
My oldest complains constantly that I don't play with him. It's certainly not a lack of desire. By the time I take care of all my responsibilities, we are simply out of time. My older two both have to leave for school by 7 AM, and we don't make it home until at least 3 in the afternoon. They both have homework and/or reading assignments every day. They also both need vision therapy at home with me daily, and in the office once a week. Two evenings a week, they go with their dad from 5 to 8:30. That means driving to meet him twice, and finishing everything that needs to be done in the two hours before we go. Every other weekend, they skip patching and therapy since he doesn't support it. Ultimately, that makes the progress slower and my job even harder. Once a month, my oldest also goes to the orthodontist. And now, baseball season is upon us, which means two to three days a week driving across town to practice and games. I would cut that out of the picture, but it does drastically improve his confidence, vision, and other areas of his life. My ex does show up for games, but the bat bag and uniform are always my responsibility. Believe me, I've repeatedly asked for help with all of these things, only to have more work in the end. Finally, I learned to stop asking.
On the flip-side, my husband has not seen me or our children for 15 months. Granted, he has been deployed a good portion of that, but had many opportunities that he gave up purposely. His approach is to send a check every month, and claim he'll "catch up with the kids later." In the meantime, he's missed both of our son's first Christmases, birthdays, and a million precious moments in between. Our daughter doesn't understand why my older two see their father every week, and no one ever comes for her. She knows daddy is away at war, but that excuse doesn't hold forever, or override a three-year old's needs. My husband will never be the boy scouts, ballgames, dance recital kind of dad. If we'd been able to move, maybe. But now, he seems thrilled to be divorcing me before ever even laying eyes on our children again. As far as I know, there is no plan in place for him seeing them once this deployment is over either. He told me he had an opportunity to take a job nearby, but he tells me a lot of things...
Now, combine the situations for the ultimate mess, which is our lives. Two get a dad, two don't, and I get all the responsibility for all four, alone. Due to this divorce, I am losing my health insurance for good. With several chronic conditions, and a toddler with a penchant for beating me, that isn't a great scenario. (And, no, I don't think Obamacare will save me. Ha ha!) My older two will also be losing their secondary coverage. With co-pays at $40 a pop, and the aforementioned public school requiring doctor's notes after so many missed days, that is a very large amount of money annually. Money I do not have to pay.
Forgetting the financials for a moment, there is also the issue of divorce itself. Before, everyone told me to move on. I did, and look what happened. That no longer seems to be an option, so I'm facing years of loneliness and the children never really having that good family model. That is the very thing I wanted so desperately for us all. Plus, even if people aren't encouraging you to move on, they don't really allow you to grieve either. When someone dies, mourning is allowed, expected even. If the widow chooses to stay alone, people seem to respect that. If she chooses to remarry after a time, then at least she is free from her former spouse's requirements to truly move forward. Divorce is the end of a family, the end of a dream, but never the end of the drama.
This is exactly why God hates divorce, and why the Bible says it is better to be reconciled to your husband than to marry again. It's been six years since my ex-husband left, yet here I am, living his rules every single day. We've lost another family for those very rules. Despite my husband's current stand-offish attitude, I'm sure the latest divorce papers will bring another round of new rules to learn and follow. If I were a widow in this particular instance (not saying I wish that), the whole family would retain our health insurance coverage, the government would send a check every month at least as big as the child support, and it would be much easier to explain to the kids why daddy never comes around. So you decide, is death really worse than divorce?
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