The judge said today that it will be over in a matter of weeks. My husband is getting everything he wants. If only that had been us. I cannot begin to describe the pain I feel right now. It is literally difficult to breathe. I have loved this man with everything in me for years. I had to choose between moving to be with him, and being a mother to my children. I could not leave them. They needed me. And honestly, I thought he would wait. I didn't want any of this to happen, but believed we could work it out. I do not want to be here. I have never really been happy in this place. My happiest times have always been by my husband's side. I remember every moment we've ever spent together. I do not know how to piece together a future for this family on my own. Yes, I've technically been alone for years. Yes, I've raised the kids by myself, dealt with school, homework, doctors, and everything else. But, I always thought there was a brighter tomorrow on the horizon. I always believed that someday we would be together, and have that family we longed for. Now that day will never come. Never mind the financial issues this creates, I'm still focused on the heart.
How do I face the man I love more than anything in the world, and never hold him again? How do I spend years dealing with exchanging kids, and never be able to say what I really feel? I put myself out there, believe me. I laid it all absolutely on the line, not only to my husband, but to the judge, as well. And, it all seems to be for nothing. I know that God has a plan. I cannot begin to understand His workings or will. Is His plan for me to be alone so that I can better understand others' pain? Is it so I can focus on my ministry without the inevitable distractions of a marriage? I do not know. And, I don't know when the answers will come. I'm sure this will become clearer someday. Lord, I am waiting for you. Please lead me. Amen.
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