A fate worse than death?

Let me preface this long, and possibly rambling post, by saying I do not wish death on anyone.  I am simply trying to make a point.  This won't make me popular, but hey, I was never the prom queen.  Divorce is a nasty, painful business.  I call it a business, because lawyers profit from it, and entire court systems are built around dismantling families.  Everyone can say "in the best interests of the children," all they want.  It's not true.  There are a few rare people who manage to stay friends in this process.  Even a few, rarer still, who don't negatively effect their financial standing.  But for most of us, divorce brings increased pressures physically, emotionally, and financially.  There are hurt feelings, issues left unresolved, and often, lives destroyed for years to come.  Personally, I offer a unique prospective.  This is not my first divorce, and the fathers of my children (ugh, I hate even typing that), took vastly different approaches to parenting. 

My ex-husband and I have joint legal custody.  We've spent years fighting over everything.  However, I've recently realized that I do all of the work, and still live by his rules six years later.  It was his rules that prevented me from moving to be with my husband two years ago, and contributed significantly to this latest divorce.  It's his rules now that keep all of our schedules tight, and life turned upside down.  You see, he insists on the public school they attend.  Yet, I'm responsible for transportation, lunches, homework, etc...  I also handle doctors, extra-curricular activities, and have them with me 90% of the time. 

My oldest complains constantly that I don't play with him.  It's certainly not a lack of desire.  By the time I take care of all my responsibilities, we are simply out of time.  My older two both have to leave for school by 7 AM, and we don't make it home until at least 3 in the afternoon.  They both have homework and/or reading assignments every day.  They also both need vision therapy at home with me daily, and in the office once a week.  Two evenings a week, they go with their dad from 5 to 8:30.  That means driving to meet him twice, and finishing everything that needs to be done in the two hours before we go.  Every other weekend, they skip patching and therapy since he doesn't support it.  Ultimately, that makes the progress slower and my job even harder.  Once a month, my oldest also goes to the orthodontist.  And now, baseball season is upon us, which means two to three days a week driving across town to practice and games.  I would cut that out of the picture, but it does drastically improve his confidence, vision, and other areas of his life.  My ex does show up for games, but the bat bag and uniform are always my responsibility.  Believe me, I've repeatedly asked for help with all of these things, only to have more work in the end.  Finally, I learned to stop asking. 

On the flip-side, my husband has not seen me or our children for 15 months.  Granted, he has been deployed a good portion of that, but had many opportunities that he gave up purposely.  His approach is to send a check every month, and claim he'll "catch up with the kids later."  In the meantime, he's missed both of our son's first Christmases, birthdays, and a million precious moments in between.  Our daughter doesn't understand why my older two see their father every week, and no one ever comes for her.  She knows daddy is away at war, but that excuse doesn't hold forever, or override a three-year old's needs.  My husband will never be the boy scouts, ballgames, dance recital kind of dad.  If we'd been able to move, maybe.  But now, he seems thrilled to be divorcing me before ever even laying eyes on our children again.  As far as I know, there is no plan in place for him seeing them once this deployment is over either.  He told me he had an opportunity to take a job nearby, but he tells me a lot of things...

Now, combine the situations for the ultimate mess, which is our lives.  Two get a dad, two don't, and I get all the responsibility for all four, alone.  Due to this divorce, I am losing my health insurance for good.  With several chronic conditions, and a toddler with a penchant for beating me, that isn't a great scenario.  (And, no, I don't think Obamacare will save me.  Ha ha!)  My older two will also be losing their secondary coverage.  With co-pays at $40 a pop, and the aforementioned public school requiring doctor's notes after so many missed days, that is a very large amount of money annually.  Money I do not have to pay. 

Forgetting the financials for a moment, there is also the issue of divorce itself.  Before, everyone told me to move on.  I did, and look what happened.  That no longer seems to be an option, so I'm facing years of loneliness and the children never really having that good family model.  That is the very thing I wanted so desperately for us all.  Plus, even if people aren't encouraging you to move on, they don't really allow you to grieve either.  When someone dies, mourning is allowed, expected even.  If the widow chooses to stay alone, people seem to respect that.  If she chooses to remarry after a time, then at least she is free from her former spouse's requirements to truly move forward.  Divorce is the end of a family, the end of a dream, but never the end of the drama.

This is exactly why God hates divorce, and why the Bible says it is better to be reconciled to your husband than to marry again.  It's been six years since my ex-husband left, yet here I am, living his rules every single day.  We've lost another family for those very rules.  Despite my husband's current stand-offish attitude, I'm sure the latest divorce papers will bring another round of new rules to learn and follow.  If I were a widow in this particular instance (not saying I wish that), the whole family would retain our health insurance coverage, the government would send a check every month at least as big as the child support, and it would be much easier to explain to the kids why daddy never comes around.  So you decide, is death really worse than divorce?

Still processing

I am working hard toward forgiveness.  Yes, I know it is a gift for me, because frankly, the other person in this case could care less.  My husband( I guess I can still call him that for a few short weeks) doesn't even seem realize the destruction he's left behind.  Life with him was like a never-ending storm of new painful information.  Now, my children and I are left to clean up the wreckage alone.  Of course, we can rebuild, but the scars remain.  Supposedly, time heals all wounds.  I can honestly say that as the days and years pass, this gaping hole in my heart only grows larger.  You see, as he was out living his life and moving on, I waited.  I stayed faithful and true, and prayed for our family every day.  Then, I went to bed alone, and cried every single night.  It's been that way for several years now. 

As I look toward the future, I see many more lonely years ahead.  Since this was not my first marriage, or attempt at "moving on," I know it must be the last.  My children have been far too hurt by this.  And, I do not believe I could ever trust or love again.  My husband told me a few days ago that the other woman and her child simply needed him more during that time.  That he had to stand by the promises he made to her.  What about the promises he made to our family?  What happened to those?  Why is it so easy to walk away from every single one he vowed to us, but keep those to her?  Do we not matter?  Are we not worthy of being loved? Protected?  The truth is we needed him, too.  Desperately.  More than he will ever know.  I am glad that at least he has made a good life from this mess.  At least one person can go forward happily.  One out of six isn't great odds, but kudos to him.  I truly wish him all the best in the world. 

God did not save my marriage

The judge said today that it will be over in a matter of weeks.  My husband is getting everything he wants.  If only that had been us.  I cannot begin to describe the pain I feel right now.  It is literally difficult to breathe.  I have loved this man with everything in me for years.  I had to choose between moving to be with him, and being a mother to my children.  I could not leave them.  They needed me.  And honestly, I thought he would wait.  I didn't want any of this to happen, but believed we could work it out.  I do not want to be here.  I have never really been happy in this place.  My happiest times have always been by my husband's side.  I remember every moment we've ever spent together.  I do not know how to piece together a future for this family on my own.  Yes, I've technically been alone for years.  Yes, I've raised the kids by myself, dealt with school, homework, doctors, and everything else.  But, I always thought there was a brighter tomorrow on the horizon.  I always believed that someday we would be together, and have that family we longed for.  Now that day will never come.  Never mind the financial issues this creates, I'm still focused on the heart. 

How do I face the man I love more than anything in the world, and never hold him again?  How do I spend years dealing with exchanging kids, and never be able to say what I really feel?  I put myself out there, believe me.  I laid it all absolutely on the line, not only to my husband, but to the judge, as well.  And, it all seems to be for nothing.  I know that God has a plan.  I cannot begin to understand His workings or will.  Is His plan for me to be alone so that I can better understand others' pain?  Is it so I can focus on my ministry without the inevitable distractions of a marriage?  I do not know.  And, I don't know when the answers will come.  I'm sure this will become clearer someday.  Lord, I am waiting for you.  Please lead me.  Amen.

Lesson from a surprising place

For several days now I've been studying and working on writing a lesson from the book of Job.  This afternoon, I laid my Bible down for a few minutes and half-listened to PBS Sprout in the background as I fed my youngest.  On this particular episode, four-year old Calliou and his friend, Clementine, desperately wanted to play her big brother's new drums.  When he kept telling them they "were not grown up enough," they devised several plans to convince him.  Ultimately, he did let them play after they dressed up as little adults to prove their maturity.  Listening to this story from the children's perspective made me realize how all people, big and small, really have the need to be affirmed.  No one wants to be told they aren't old enough, big enough, smart enough, fast enough, competent enough, etc...   We live in a busy, fast-paced world.  Sometimes, it's difficult to take the time to help others perform a task, or to let them help you.  I know I could have made chocolate covered strawberries for Valentine's Day much faster without my girls' assistance.  However, it meant the world to them to "help cook."  The same goes for the boys getting the mail, or feeding the pets. We all should take a little more time to acknowledge and appreciate each other.  I know I will certainly try to remain more mindful of it from now on. 

Fight on

When you feel you have reached your breaking point, take a deep breath, or ten, and fight on.  When all hope seems to be lost, and you feel you have nothing left to lose, fight on.  For when you are nearly certain you will be disappointed with the outcome, that is the very time you must give your best effort.  Even if the battle seems lost, you will have to be able to live with yourself after the smoke clears.  Don't ask what you can do to change it.  Ask if you can live with yourself if you don't try.  You cannot worry about how others will view your efforts.  It is not up to them to judge.  That is for God Almighty alone.  So always stand firm for what you believe, and give it your all. 

I am doing so now with my latest endeavor: www.letterstomylove.com.  Will it matter?  It will to me.  What matters most to you today? 

Tough realization

I was taking a look at another blog today, and stumbled on a post called "3 Reasons Daughters Need Their Fathers."  It talked about them needing protection, to know they are loved, and for fathers to be involved.  Quite a few statistics were listed about what happens when these things are lacking, such as low self-esteem, risky behaviors, more suicide attempts, and higher rates of teen pregnancies.  These are hard facts to swallow for a mom who is essentially raising the two youngest on her own. 

My son is 19-months old, and does not know his father.  He's seen him for only 7 days in his life, and thankfully has yet to realize what he's missing.  I know that will certainly come later with birthday parties, little league games, and boy scout meetings.  For now, it's my 3-year old daughter who is really hurting.  She and my son have not seen their father for nearly 15 months.  I tell them it's because he has such an important job to do protecting our country, but that's not entirely true.  He purposely skipped numerous chances to see them before he deployed last year, and is desperately trying to push our divorce through before he even sees their little faces again. 

My daughter asks about him constantly.  It doesn't help when she watches my older two spend time with their dad each week, and wonder why she never gets anything like that.  Fifteen months is like a lifetime for someone her age.  We've watched other fathers joyously return from war hugging their children so tightly, but know no such happy reunion awaits us.  Even when this deployment, and my husband's 20-year career is finished in a few months, no plans have really been made with regard to our children.  All I know is that we have contended with anxiety, nightmares, numerous tears, and bedwetting incidents due to this long separation.  Other people sense that need she has, and try to fill the void, but it's not the same.  I try my best, but can't be all she needs either.  Her favorite singer in the world is strangely enough, Johnny Cash.  She loves his music, and makes me turn on the cd each time we get in the car so she can sing along.  But, the one song she will never listen to is A Boy Named Sue.  I have to carefully skip it every time.  I think, "my daddy left home when I was 3," hits way too close to home for both of us. 

So today, I am saying a prayer for all of the little girls and boys growing up without their dads.  No matter the reason, it doesn't lessen the longing and pain.  Fill their hearts, Lord, with the love and encouragement only You can provide.  And, please be with all of the mothers working hard to do this on their own.  Give them the patience, strength, and wisdom to prevail.  Amen. 

Finally some good news on c-sections!

For years, many doctors have insisted that vaginal delivery is too traumatic for small, premature babies. They believed it put the babies at greater risk for hemorrhages, seizures, or sepsis, and routinely scheduled c-sections instead. However, researchers from Johns Hopkins will hopefully turn this practice on its ear. By studying the records of over 2,500 preemies born in New York City between 1995 and 2003, it was discovered that c-sections actually put these babies at 30% greater risk for respiratory distress syndrome. This fact is not just significant for the period immediately following birth, but may impact these children for life with conditions like asthma, cerebral palsy, and developmental disabilities. Not only did the vaginally birthed babies have healthier respiratory systems, but they were also found to be at no greater risk for the other conditions as previously thought. Dr. Erika Werner, who led the study, and Dr. Diane Ashton, deputy director for the March of Dimes, both encourage doctors toward vaginal deliveries expect in cases where the lives of mothers or babies are in imminent danger. These are important findings at a time when America's c-section rate is over 32%, and the number of premature births remains too high. Notwithstanding the physical and emotional toll to these babies and their families, a 2006 report from the Institute of Medicine estimated that the health issues arising from preterm birth costs America over $26 billion annually.

To quell the continual increase of c-sections, it's important that medical necessity be more clearly defined. It is also essential that medical professionals stop scheduling surgeries simply for their own convenience or that of the mother. Members of the "too-posh-to-push" generation are risking their lives and those of their babies. C-sections carry numerous risks for both mothers and infants including: breathing problems, surgical injuries, infections, increased bleeding, and more. The World Health Organization has long said the rate should be no higher than 10 - 15% for any country. Maybe an even better model is that of The Farm, a birthing community run by famed midwife Ina May Gaskin in Tennessee. With over 2,000 mainly anaesthesia-free births in the past 35 years, c-section rates there remain below 2%. Maybe they deserve the next study.

Reason #514 I Dislike Public School

I've spent years quietly seething behind closed doors, or not so quietly complaining to close friends.  Frankly, I'm tired of it.  I'm sure they are, too.  So for all of you who have patiently pretended to listen, here is a big heartfelt thanks from me to you.  And now, my soapbox takes on a whole new form. 

Those of you who know me already know I'm different.  I generally have to learn my lessons the hard way, and my stubbornness makes me seem slow to realize certain things.  However, once I commit I am one of the most loyal, passionate people you will ever meet.  Many things I've committed to in my life are not necessarily popular.  This has caused considerable drama, and apparently more than one divorce, yet has not shaken my firm belief in what I feel is right. 

I suppose I'm what you'd call a crunchy conservative.  That's my own personal term, as far as I know.  I am unequivocally pro-life.  In my mind, abortion is murder, pure and simple.  I absolutely do not understand the hypocrisy of allowing abortions, yet charging people who kill unborn children in car accidents with a crime. So if the mother wants the baby that makes all the difference?  What if she was on her way to the abortion clinic?  Would that matter?  I'm also confused about why it's ok to methodically plan out killing your child, but CPS gets involved if they don't like the way someone is homeschooling.  Somehow educating your child at home may be construed as neglect, but killing an innocent baby is fine? 

That brings me to my next point, clearly I'm pro-homeschooling.  I would LOVE to be homeschooling my brood right now.  Alas, an uniformed judge and uncooperative ex-husband have stolen that dream (temporarily, I hope).  Don't get me wrong, there are many professional, highly dedicated, wonderful teachers in the public school system.  But, take note of that last word, "system."  The teachers themselves have no control over funding, and continually seem to be losing input on their own classrooms.  There are so many testing requirements and so few resources to go around, that I feel it's a losing battle.  And, American children are the ones losing every single day.  It's not just that I believe one-on-one attention, and individual education plans would be beneficial to every child.  It's also the the sad realities that come along with public school like bullying, peer pressure, and growing up way too fast. 

I started tonight's blog and tirade, because I was annoyed about spending my evening making sure 50+ valentine's cards were properly addressed.  No, I'm not anti-valentine's day or anti-fun.  It just seems that nearly every day requires more money and effort, and I'm seeing very few results for either.  I'm beginning to wonder how parents even afford public school.  There is a never-ending laundry list of costs.  Maybe if I were happier about the quality of the education I would feel differently, but I'm not, and I don't.  Some of you may think that this is just part of a mom's job, and I should do it without complaint.  Others may think I'm lazy, and/or not working hard enough.  All I can say is that you've clearly never stayed home with four young children. 

As for the without complaint part, I partially agree.  I do tend to be a complainer, and generally that gets you nowhere.  I don't want to waste my time uselessly moaning about this or that, but I'm also done being silenced.  Over the years people have told me to "shut up and know my place" more than once.  Is it because I'm a woman?  A stay-at-home mom?  Different?  Honestly, I don't want to fit in with a crowd I feel is heading the wrong direction.  God made us all differently, each with our own voices, and gifts.  I may not always be charming, or even politically correct, for that matter.  And the catching more flies with honey thing never really seemed to work for me.  Too many people today are so worried about the opinions of others that they're afraid to take a stand, say what they mean, or really live.  That is not how this country was built, and is a major reason it's falling apart.  America was founded by men and women who stood up for what they thought was right, followed their faith, and dreamed big.  As a whole, we've taken God out of the equation.  I'm here to say do what you want in your own homes and lives, but He will remain firmly planted in mine.  I will post more later.  Back to my CCC (Creatively Controlled Chaos).