Waiting

I recently read an article about the virtue of patience, how it is more aptly defined as "waiting without complaint."  Personally, I don't like to wait.  In this fast paced world of instant gratification, I too, want it right now.  The waiting in and of itself is sometimes a daunting task, but to do it without complaint?  Admittedly, I struggle.  The Lord is still working on me, and I have the distinct feeling that I will continue waiting until I reach the point He has in mind.  As I wait, it is amazing that every scripture, or random interaction with strangers seems to come directly from His hand.  He, of course, always has a plan and knows exactly what I need. 

So, I've concluded that the waiting, especially without complaint, is only possible with a strong measure of faith.  You must know and believe that it will get better.  You must understand that the unhappy circumstances build character in ways only hardship can.  I have never appreciated the simple act of breathing more than after a respiratory infection, or walking more than after a broken foot healed.  I am a stubborn, strong-willed person who frequently must learn my lessons the hard way, or maybe earn them is a better term.  I have much to learn, or earn, yet.  But, I know that the things coming to pass are being forged into my character like iron and steel. 

For the past several months, I've been doing a tremendous amount of work on my property.  The neighbors jokingly ask if I ever stop.  The trees in my recently planted orchard only look like sticks at the moment, but someday they will feed my family.  My garden by the creek already has it's benches, arch, and pathways.  Though today it is only dirt, by the end of the season it will be filled with beautiful medicinal herbs and flowers.  I am laying the foundation for what is to come. 

Carrying river rocks to surround my newly built bridge in the woods, I began to consider how they were made.  How many times did the water have to run over and around each one to shape that smooth stone?  How long did that take?  I also thought about how much pressure is required to form a diamond.  It takes the pressure and heat to create such a beautiful thing.  Aren't we all just diamonds in the rough?  Some of us may be further along in the process than others, but we could all use to have our edges smoothed out.  I hope this day finds each of you keeping life in perspective, no matter your circumstances.  Work through it, and wait without complaint, so that someday we may all shine. 

This was not my plan...

For years, I've been the pessimistic, glass half-empty kind of person.  It's very easy to fall into that trap.  I'm a perfectionist.  Often, I feel if I can't have it just the way I want, there's little point in trying.  That's not the greatest attitude, I know.  Right now, I am in a place I never dreamed I would be.  In my early twenties, I couldn't stand kids.  There, I said it.  Now, I have four (and certainly wouldn't mind another with the right man).  I have always truly valued marriage, yet am going through my third divorce.  Yes, number three.  Never the bridesmaid, always the bride.  If only I could find someone to stick around.  Clearly, getting married is not the issue here, it's the staying married that I find troublesome.  Believe me, I do not want to be divorced.  After I became a mother, being a good wife, and setting a positive example was my main goal.  It still is today, although I'm not quite sure how to pull that off without the husband. 

A few years ago, I had my life all mapped out.  I was married to the love of my life (or so I thought), we were moving to a fantastic new house, and going to be a model family.  Yeah, right.  None of that happened.  I guess it wasn't in the cards for me.  So when I see the happy couples pushing a new baby around the neighborhood, I have to hold back a few sniffles.  That was never me.  Not even once.  How I longed for someone to really know and love me, someone to mean their vows, and stand by my side for life.  What I'd give for a man who knows the true meaning of family, and makes that his main priority.  Given my track record, I did not think such a man even existed in today's society.  I was wrong.  He is not meant for me, but certainly has the best heart I've ever seen.  It's nice to know that at least someone may have that dream. 

So now, I'm living in a place I never thought I would be, in a town that I had really wanted to leave.  I finally have the big house and yard that we wanted.  I get the opportunity to at least partially live off the land.  This year, I'm putting in a big garden, 18 fruit and nut trees, and 22 berry bushes.  Nearly every day there are up to 10 kids or more on my lawn, so my children are certainly never lonely.  They have made good friends here, and honestly, so have I.  It is a good place to put down roots.  The nights are still really difficult.  Once the kids go to bed, sometimes I sit on my deck alone and stare up at the stars (yes, it's actually dark enough to see them here).  I still desperately wish my love was there by my side.  It would be wonderful to know that just once before I die.  Maybe that's my bucket list, to really be loved by a good man, and to give him my all in return. I know that I have so much to offer. That is in God's hands now, as everything should be.  So, I will learn to ignore my stabbing loneliness.  I will try my best to put a positive spin on my little girl wondering why everyone else sees their daddy but her.  I will try to forget the horribly painful events leading up to us coming to this place.  My life could definitely be much worse.  I have a supportive family, good neighbors, and great friends.  That may not be all I want, or what my heart really feels it needs, but it will have to be enough for now.  I will try my best to be more thankful every day.  That is the best example I can set for my children. 

Final words to an old love

To You, From Me

Used to be afraid of the darkest night
Put that aside when I jumped from the heights
Now my fear is being alone
And as much as I love you
It's time to let go

A million thoughts race through my mind
Like how I was yours, but you were never mine
And, I lost all the games you played
But, you kept right on going
To lie another day

So I've screamed through the shadows
And cried in the sun
Tried to forget all the things that you've done
Facing the truth is setting me free
Darling, this is goodbye
To you, from me

I can't pretend about this anymore
Or say I don't miss you coming through my door
But, I won't relive yesterday
With me always waiting while
You just walk away

So I've screamed through the shadows
And cried in the sun
Tried to forget all the things that you've done
Facing the truth is setting me free
Darling, this is goodbye
To you, from me

The agendas of others

I gave up trying to figure other people out long ago.  In the past, I often wondered about the inner workings of their minds.  However, I've since found that to be a fruitless activity.  While I do not ask "why" anymore, sometimes I can't help but be amazed at some people's choices.  Anyone who has followed this blog knows I've written about my impending divorce on several occasions.  Clearly, my husband wants it and will get it without my signature whatsoever.  I absolutely disagree, and hate how this has hurt our family, but I think I understand.  What I cannot fathom, however, is his attorney's agenda.  As far as I know, my husband has never even met this man who continually files motions to drag me and our children to court.  Recently, he asked that I pay HIS fee for the divorce that I do not want.  My husband swears that he had no part in that motion, but failed to stop his attorney from proceeding.  When it was heard in court, the judge pressured me to sign the preliminary documents to move this divorce along.  I refused on the basis of my religious beliefs, and was pretty much mocked for it.  Then, I was unceremoniously told that my husband will simply get anything he asks for when the deadline passes.  Well, it came and went nine days ago.  Yesterday,  I received a message from my attorney stating his lawyer is now trying to have me found in contempt of court.  Really?  What is it with this guy?  It's not enough that I raise four children alone, two of whom haven't seen their dad in well over a year?  It's not enough that my husband has literally never heard our 21-month old son utter a word or even seen him eat a single meal in his life?  It's not enough that my kids have NEVER been away from me, and I will someday soon have to send them to visit this man who left us in such a way?  It's not enough that me and my older two children are losing our health insurance, and already have bills we can't pay?  It's not enough that I stood by this man through three deployments in five years, multiple affairs, and legal woes?  It's not enough that I spent basically the entire five years alone due to all of the things I mentioned above?  Now his lawyer wants to force me to pay a fine or face jail time?  What a stand up kind of man.  If only they had to walk a mile in my shoes, or those of my children.  Lord, they know not what they do...

A gift for me

Recently, I discovered numerous blogs of crafty, frugal, fantastic women.  Being short on cash flow, and desperate for potential money-making projects I realized I NEED tools.  Of course, I have the basics: hammer, screwdrivers, and a small handsaw.  But, for my purposes now I need a good drill.  Time to head to the guest room closet.  Last Christmas, before I realized hubby had hit the road for good I bought him a very nice tool set from Lowe's.  When he failed to show up for Christmas, and filed for divorce three days later, I put his present in storage and didn't touch it again.  I guess someday I always thought he'd come home for it, and us.  Now I know that is not going to happen.  And frankly, as romantic as I am, practicality wins on this one.  So I am now the proud owner of a drill/driver, reciprocating saw, circular saw, and rechargeable flashlight.  It's a good brand, so it should last a while.  I even bought an extra drill bit set (never skimped on his stuff).  So belated Merry Christmas to me.  I guess the tool set isn't the only thing he'll be missing around here, if he ever bothers to care.  Happy crafting!

Moving forward

I took my rings off last night.  He filed the papers over 14 months ago, and I've been praying about this every day since.  Today was the last day for me to file my preliminary documents.  The deadline has come and gone, and things should be finalized in the next couple of weeks.  I fought hard for our family to the last minute.  I could have filed those papers, run up thousands more in legal bills, and drug this out a few months longer.  But, the end result would've been the same.  Over the past few days, I've realized that a man who would leave his family like this without even seeing them for over a year, isn't worth my tears anymore.  He is an absolutely amazing soldier, a good son, and very dedicated to all those he loves.  I guess we simply did not fall into that category.  I do wish him all the best in the world.  I will not be in touch, and hope the rest of his life turns out the way he wants.  As for mine, I can't say I'm happy.  However, I have reached some acceptance of the the circumstances.  My hand is bare, the service flag is out of my front window, and the army wife magnet removed from my newly washed vehicle.  I will continue to fly an American flag on my porch out of respect for our country, and all the men and women who bravely serve.  As for my husband, he will not be forgotten, but life keeps going forward with or without him.  Now, I see that he was never really around in the first place.  As Natalie Imbruglia's song puts it, "the illusion never changed into something real."  I'm wide awake for the first time in years, and mercifully not as torn as I'd imagined.  God put my family here in this place for a purpose.  Beauty will someday rise from these ashes. C'est la vie...

A fate worse than death?

Let me preface this long, and possibly rambling post, by saying I do not wish death on anyone.  I am simply trying to make a point.  This won't make me popular, but hey, I was never the prom queen.  Divorce is a nasty, painful business.  I call it a business, because lawyers profit from it, and entire court systems are built around dismantling families.  Everyone can say "in the best interests of the children," all they want.  It's not true.  There are a few rare people who manage to stay friends in this process.  Even a few, rarer still, who don't negatively effect their financial standing.  But for most of us, divorce brings increased pressures physically, emotionally, and financially.  There are hurt feelings, issues left unresolved, and often, lives destroyed for years to come.  Personally, I offer a unique prospective.  This is not my first divorce, and the fathers of my children (ugh, I hate even typing that), took vastly different approaches to parenting. 

My ex-husband and I have joint legal custody.  We've spent years fighting over everything.  However, I've recently realized that I do all of the work, and still live by his rules six years later.  It was his rules that prevented me from moving to be with my husband two years ago, and contributed significantly to this latest divorce.  It's his rules now that keep all of our schedules tight, and life turned upside down.  You see, he insists on the public school they attend.  Yet, I'm responsible for transportation, lunches, homework, etc...  I also handle doctors, extra-curricular activities, and have them with me 90% of the time. 

My oldest complains constantly that I don't play with him.  It's certainly not a lack of desire.  By the time I take care of all my responsibilities, we are simply out of time.  My older two both have to leave for school by 7 AM, and we don't make it home until at least 3 in the afternoon.  They both have homework and/or reading assignments every day.  They also both need vision therapy at home with me daily, and in the office once a week.  Two evenings a week, they go with their dad from 5 to 8:30.  That means driving to meet him twice, and finishing everything that needs to be done in the two hours before we go.  Every other weekend, they skip patching and therapy since he doesn't support it.  Ultimately, that makes the progress slower and my job even harder.  Once a month, my oldest also goes to the orthodontist.  And now, baseball season is upon us, which means two to three days a week driving across town to practice and games.  I would cut that out of the picture, but it does drastically improve his confidence, vision, and other areas of his life.  My ex does show up for games, but the bat bag and uniform are always my responsibility.  Believe me, I've repeatedly asked for help with all of these things, only to have more work in the end.  Finally, I learned to stop asking. 

On the flip-side, my husband has not seen me or our children for 15 months.  Granted, he has been deployed a good portion of that, but had many opportunities that he gave up purposely.  His approach is to send a check every month, and claim he'll "catch up with the kids later."  In the meantime, he's missed both of our son's first Christmases, birthdays, and a million precious moments in between.  Our daughter doesn't understand why my older two see their father every week, and no one ever comes for her.  She knows daddy is away at war, but that excuse doesn't hold forever, or override a three-year old's needs.  My husband will never be the boy scouts, ballgames, dance recital kind of dad.  If we'd been able to move, maybe.  But now, he seems thrilled to be divorcing me before ever even laying eyes on our children again.  As far as I know, there is no plan in place for him seeing them once this deployment is over either.  He told me he had an opportunity to take a job nearby, but he tells me a lot of things...

Now, combine the situations for the ultimate mess, which is our lives.  Two get a dad, two don't, and I get all the responsibility for all four, alone.  Due to this divorce, I am losing my health insurance for good.  With several chronic conditions, and a toddler with a penchant for beating me, that isn't a great scenario.  (And, no, I don't think Obamacare will save me.  Ha ha!)  My older two will also be losing their secondary coverage.  With co-pays at $40 a pop, and the aforementioned public school requiring doctor's notes after so many missed days, that is a very large amount of money annually.  Money I do not have to pay. 

Forgetting the financials for a moment, there is also the issue of divorce itself.  Before, everyone told me to move on.  I did, and look what happened.  That no longer seems to be an option, so I'm facing years of loneliness and the children never really having that good family model.  That is the very thing I wanted so desperately for us all.  Plus, even if people aren't encouraging you to move on, they don't really allow you to grieve either.  When someone dies, mourning is allowed, expected even.  If the widow chooses to stay alone, people seem to respect that.  If she chooses to remarry after a time, then at least she is free from her former spouse's requirements to truly move forward.  Divorce is the end of a family, the end of a dream, but never the end of the drama.

This is exactly why God hates divorce, and why the Bible says it is better to be reconciled to your husband than to marry again.  It's been six years since my ex-husband left, yet here I am, living his rules every single day.  We've lost another family for those very rules.  Despite my husband's current stand-offish attitude, I'm sure the latest divorce papers will bring another round of new rules to learn and follow.  If I were a widow in this particular instance (not saying I wish that), the whole family would retain our health insurance coverage, the government would send a check every month at least as big as the child support, and it would be much easier to explain to the kids why daddy never comes around.  So you decide, is death really worse than divorce?