For years, I've been the pessimistic, glass half-empty kind of person. It's very easy to fall into that trap. I'm a perfectionist. Often, I feel if I can't have it just the way I want, there's little point in trying. That's not the greatest attitude, I know. Right now, I am in a place I never dreamed I would be. In my early twenties, I couldn't stand kids. There, I said it. Now, I have four (and certainly wouldn't mind another with the right man). I have always truly valued marriage, yet am going through my third divorce. Yes, number three. Never the bridesmaid, always the bride. If only I could find someone to stick around. Clearly, getting married is not the issue here, it's the staying married that I find troublesome. Believe me, I do not want to be divorced. After I became a mother, being a good wife, and setting a positive example was my main goal. It still is today, although I'm not quite sure how to pull that off without the husband.
A few years ago, I had my life all mapped out. I was married to the love of my life (or so I thought), we were moving to a fantastic new house, and going to be a model family. Yeah, right. None of that happened. I guess it wasn't in the cards for me. So when I see the happy couples pushing a new baby around the neighborhood, I have to hold back a few sniffles. That was never me. Not even once. How I longed for someone to really know and love me, someone to mean their vows, and stand by my side for life. What I'd give for a man who knows the true meaning of family, and makes that his main priority. Given my track record, I did not think such a man even existed in today's society. I was wrong. He is not meant for me, but certainly has the best heart I've ever seen. It's nice to know that at least someone may have that dream.
So now, I'm living in a place I never thought I would be, in a town that I had really wanted to leave. I finally have the big house and yard that we wanted. I get the opportunity to at least partially live off the land. This year, I'm putting in a big garden, 18 fruit and nut trees, and 22 berry bushes. Nearly every day there are up to 10 kids or more on my lawn, so my children are certainly never lonely. They have made good friends here, and honestly, so have I. It is a good place to put down roots. The nights are still really difficult. Once the kids go to bed, sometimes I sit on my deck alone and stare up at the stars (yes, it's actually dark enough to see them here). I still desperately wish my love was there by my side. It would be wonderful to know that just once before I die. Maybe that's my bucket list, to really be loved by a good man, and to give him my all in return. I know that I have so much to offer. That is in God's hands now, as everything should be. So, I will learn to ignore my stabbing loneliness. I will try my best to put a positive spin on my little girl wondering why everyone else sees their daddy but her. I will try to forget the horribly painful events leading up to us coming to this place. My life could definitely be much worse. I have a supportive family, good neighbors, and great friends. That may not be all I want, or what my heart really feels it needs, but it will have to be enough for now. I will try my best to be more thankful every day. That is the best example I can set for my children.
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